The look of horror that flashes across people's faces when I tell them I love BDSM, is truly priceless.©copyright crave 1994"You look so normal!", is the response I usually get. I often wonder what vanilla (non S/m) people think that kinky people look like. One can't wear latex or all leather day in and day out, otherwise it wouldn't be kinky after a while. But yes, I do look very ordinary, just like the girl next door, only with a closet full of wicked toys.
The second response is usually, "Why?". To me, S/m is the ultimate escape. I like to give pleasure/pain and I love to receive pleasure/pain. When I was in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship, I found coming home after a hard days work and being told by my lover/Dominant that I am to be placed in bondage for the evening is heavenly. If I'm all tied up, what's the point of worrying about that last report that I didn't finish, or the paper that is due the next day, or that I didn't clean the catbox. I can't do anything about it anyway! Of course, usually the fantastic sensations that are rippling through my body prevent me from thinking anything coherent anyway.
Which brings up another common question, "Why would you want your lover to cause you physical pain? How can that be fun?". It is wonderfully enjoyable. Sometimes it's painful, but the massive endorphin rush that flows through my body, creates a natural high that is far better than any drug one can imagine. There is also a place where pain disappears, where everything is pure sensation. The hardest flogging becomes a massage, but the light touch of silk is excruciating. It's nearly impossible to describe, but fantastic to experience.
Turning my body, my mind, my spirit, over to the will of trusted other, has been a difficult and frightening experience. I trust my Dominant not to permanently hurt me with every fiber of my being. It is not something that we undertook lightly and it is always 100% consensual and caring.
As a submissive, I opened myself up to another's will. By serving, I expressed both my respect and my desire for that person. I'm a masochist; I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can take a lot of pain. But part of me needs reminding, day in and day out, that I am,indeed, worthy of love and respect. I need help drowning out the clamor of hatred and self-deprecation that fills so many women's heads. "Good," "smart," "brave" : these are the dominant's kiss, the marks I carry with me after a d/s scene. They are as vivid and as tender as the bruises on my thighs and ass, but they don't fade as fast.
Awhile back, I read the "Story of O". In the introduction, I found a page that I had marked and a few passages that I'd bracketed awhile ago. I think it very accurately describes my deepest desire, dream and what I strive for when I have the fortune to be with a Dominant.
"If I have ceased, once and for all, to be my own mistress, if my mouth and loins and breasts no longer belong to me, then I become a creature of another world, a world in which everything has new meaning." "It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure." "You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears. And my neck: is it not charming when, filled with a moan I am striving to stifle, it grows tense and contorted in spite of my attempts to control it?" "As long as I am beaten and ravished on your behalf, I am naught but the thought of you, the desire of you, the obsession of you. That, I believe is what you wanted. Well, I love you, and that is what I want too."